the quantum leap
september, a shriveled spoon
delicate and rocking,
spine gleaming in the too hot sun
i apologize for such a late letter—the last few months have contained moments of huge and exciting change. i’m still settling in. september was a curved and steep path; the tall milkweed bent towards me and i rushed past it, late for the bus with an empty stomach. late, late, late i was this month. i inherited a tendency to do everything at the last minute from my mother. i try to break the spell as much as i can: tricking myself into leaving 15 minutes early, setting my alarm an hour before i need to wake up, keeping a detailed to-do list. and yet i always wait for the last possible bus, the last possible minute to finish tasks, the last possible alarm to wake up from. and i never learn because i always make it in the nick of time. every time i run to catch the bus i think “this is the time i’ll be taught a lesson and i’ll have to learn” and i never do.
amy and i have been discussing quantum leaping and i feel it. i am hurdling down a hill towards—progress? expansion? goodness?—something. i feel the change and i’m trying to let it happen. i have a difficult time with change sometimes. when i was eight my mom cut me bangs and i cried so hard i thought i’d throw up. i started a new (temporary) job in september and even though i love it i feel like someone cut me bangs in 2008.
in this time of great change, amy and grace both left for great trips so i crept around the apartment in just my socks. i weighed the pros and cons of being alone during this time. at home we lived all jumbled up and i loved it—the noise, the mess of limbs on the couch, the overlapping voices and emotions. i became accustomed to a certain level of chaos that now in adulthood i seek stillness in a way. a con of course was that i missed amy and grace a lot—i wouldn’t shut up about how exciting i thought their trips were. a pro is that i think i needed to be inside my head a little bit more last month and i don’t know if i could have done that with an audience.
however, i did have a lot of visitors who temporarily observed my newness. elise visited me and we ran around our old favorite places like we were twenty again. i bought a denim dress that makes me think of a kindergartener and i wonder if i’ll actually ever wear it. we stumbled out of dinner and into a cramped liquor store and bought white wine because we thought the label was cute. we shared a bed which i don’t actually know if we’ve done before but it felt nostalgic, like i’ve known them longer than five years.
avery and ashlyn came to stay with me the weekend after. i feel so grateful for the people willing to meet me here. chicago can feel like an island in ways but i’ve actually had great luck in getting people to come to me. i love showing them city life. we went to a cemetery that i visited once when i was 18. ashlyn will be the same age in a few days and it’s difficult for me to understand how someone i left at twelve will be going out in the world soon. i still care for all of them as if i’m their mother from afar. i realize it can probably be quite annoying but i can’t help it. we practiced kindness and sincerity and i took them to the lego store downtown where we made little lego versions of ourselves.
sophie and i met early in september and i consider myself so lucky. being vulnerable is a fresh skill of mine but it feels like a strong muscle whenever i’m with her. our proposed meeting spot was mysteriously closed so we went to a bar right by my apartment and i quickly became enchanted. we looked at framed pictures of dogs and people behaving and misbehaving and talked about how we would have gotten along well as children. it became so easy after that. the next week we went to dinner and a few days later we failed horribly at trivia and shyly kissed outside the brown line train station. i am learning to accept gentleness and kindness.
every day last month i woke up and i was new. at 23 i am still such a baby, i wonder when i’ll start to feel like i’ve grown into my bones. i feel like i’m walking a balance beam for the first time. my wobbly ankles have a hard time holding me up but i try.